(pictured: Johnny Razorlight
Do you remember Razorlight do you? They
were great weren't they? Do you remember the singer? Johnny
Razorlight I think he was called. Do you remember him? And the songs.
Do you remember all the songs they had? They had about six or seven
of them and they'd do them on telly. Do you remember the one about
America? It was kind of ambiguous. It had
ambiguity, which is a thing that makes it hard to tell what it means
but you know it means something because Johnny Razorlight looks like
he really means it. You weren't sure if he loved America or hated
America or had even ever been to America but, y'know, America.
Do you remember how Johnny Razorlight
took his shirt off? Not gay or anything but that was great when he
took his shirt off. It meant he was ready to get down to business,
like when you're putting up a shed in the garden or something. You'd
be watching Razorlight and they'd be doing songs and you'd be
thinking this is our generation's Dylan or Clash and the kids would
raise their hands and girls would be crying and there'd be songs. Do
you remember waving the college scarfs around and caring about
things? Caring yeah, that was the feeling. That or something like it.
It was moving anyway. Do you remember being moved? You'd get the
tickets and all pile into the stadium and get the shit moved out of
Whatever happened to Razorlight though?
They represented a whole era didn't they? The hippies had Jimi
Hendrix and acid but we had Johnny Razorlight and apps. It was the
beginning of something. I'm not sure what it was the beginning of but
it was the beginning of something wasn't it? Something kind of real.
It felt real. It felt like something realish. Razorlight represented
our era. Them and Keane and other bands with songs. They all had
songs and we listened to them and they were songs. They were our
songs. They were certainly songs anyway. I'm certain of that. They'd
always turn up in ads for Vodafone, capturing the Zeitgeist.
I wonder what happened to Razorlight. They weren't around all that
long were they? The light that burns twice as bright burns half as
long type of thing. I wonder will they ever reform. Maybe they never
split up or did they die? Maybe they are dead like Pete Doherty from
Block Party. Who knows? But we have the memories right? I'll never
forget the songs and them doing them and all that. It was great.
Great days! I just want to say thanks to Snow Patrol, I mean Klaxons,
I mean Razorlight, for the memories.
The invisible confines of your
perceived freedom: The body you inhabit. The landmass that restricts
your movement unless you have the money and authorisation
required for foreign travel. The languages you speak and your
inability to speak. Your need for air and nourishment. Your fear of
opprobrium. The ideas that come out of the telly, the awful fuckin
telly. The ideas that come out of the mouths of your friends. What
your parents told you. What your parents failed to tell you. What
your teachers taught you. What your teachers failed to teach you. The
money you save. The bills you pay. Your responsibilities and your
irresponsibility. Those new shoes you have your eye on. The people
you have your eye on. The people who have their eye on you, or keep
an eye out for you, or the people who might scratch your eyes out.
Your eyes. Books and magazines and papers and the words in those
books and magazines and papers. Street signage. Streets. Road signs.
Roads. Gardens. Buildings. Rooms. Houses. Cars. Car alarms and house
alarms. People who are easily alarmed. The alarm on your clock and
the clock itself. Especially the clock - the big hand, the little
hand, all the numbers they point to and what they mean. The places
you should be. The way you get to those places. The time it takes you
to get there. The guilt you feel when you don't go. The guilt you
feel when you don't go anywhere. The shame of loitering. Your dirty
secret life of taking it easy. Your need to contribute. Your unease
at accepting contributions. Your tolerance of frequent acts of
officially sanctioned theft. The benefits this theft brings you. The
things that are stolen from you. The myth of the meritocracy. Your
utter mediocrity. Your hypocrisy and your inability to see that you
are a hypocrite. The threat of heavy fines or
custodial sentences. Guns – even if you never see them, you know
that they are there.
But the waft of ineffable liberation is
occasionally detectable, in the quieter moments. Fully asleep or half
awake. Day dreaming under a dead tree - gazing at stratocumuli drifting above a crooked creaking lattice – floating beyond
the bars of a cage. Stuck here but it's not so bad. It's a bit of a
laugh. The holidays are coming up. You might win some money. You
might 'get lucky'. You could go to the movies. Maybe there's
something on the telly, the awful fuckin telly. Did you see the thing
that was on last week? It was mad. The Devil put a bomb under God's
It's not about the conversation anymore
but the flow. WINKY EMOTICON. In contemporary media what you say is
one thing and that's fine but it's the current it gets caught up in
that counts. PLEASE SUBSCRIBE! Get a quick 'like' or 'unlike' and
don't waste time continuing to get things wrong. TLDR! Communication
isn't about communicating anymore. It's about dynamism. SHARE THIS ON
FACEBOOK OR LINKEDIN! It's not about contributing ideas but about
contributing content. SMILEY FACE. Analysis is condensed into easy to
digest flow portions that r so easily digestible
that they r no longer analysis. #IMBECILES It no longer mattrs what
you say. No evr listnd nywy. sO Just say stuff n join the cnvrsation.
LOL! The idea that communication is about ideas is an outdatd idea.
Communication is about promotion. FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER! It's not what
is being said, it's who is saying it. SUBSCRIBE! Don't think, just
click. LINK THIS! Interface your face and be a face interfacer!
53638468 FOLLOWRRS! Hey  frac *=  other frac. Face me linkbook!
STEPHEN FRY! The valu in wht u say is in the links. The value in wgat
yiu say is in the 'likes'. The currency of d web is the links. LINK
LIKE LINK! Diversity of options in the flow. Flow the interface
REDDIT and link to the faced @ like me on Twitter #RELATING Replace
quality with stuff efficiently. Get a profile, get a life
@INNOVATION#FKD Navigate the click flow and 'like' clear goal your
synergy and void your headspace online bite size PWND. The valu ov
tings a dgidm? NOW TRENDING! Jst dwnld d app and FTW! Facelink ur
fcbk lnk lk! #GET KONY src= gt fllwrs + lk fcbk10100101010bt twttr.
The new sensibility is the death o sense death to sense uplod new
sense FACEBOOK MY LINKEDIN! Be prt of tHe clOud and DSTRY conviction
+ depth#join d noiz,come let us build ourselves a city, GOOGLE + 1
with a tower that reaches to the heavens, so that we may make a name
for ourselves; otherwise we will be scattered over the face of the
whole earth@SoLoMo LMFAO CMFEO CMFEO CrynMFEO CrynMyFEO CrynMyFknEO
CrynMyFknEyesO CrynMyFknEyesOut / @SADFCE :'(
(pictured: it's no wonder cats hate “meeces
Conspiracy theories are all the rage
these days. People believe all kinds of fun stuff to do with secret
organisations ruling the world and weather technology controlling
storms and all that. It's great. Fugger (the people's blogger) has
long wanted to get involved in the conspiracy game so I've come up
with some of my own theories that I'll be forwarding on to Prison
Planet, Godlike Productions, and Russia Today.
Here's a sample of my favourites:
1: NEW YORK DOES NOT EXIST!
Never did. It's mainly done with
computer graphics. Have you ever been there? Well I have and it
wasn't there at all. It was another place done up to look like New
York. The Illuminati want you to think there is a New York so that
you'll go mad when CGI airplanes are crashed into it and agree to a
global security police regime. These global police will wear special
CIA sanctioned body scanning x-ray glasses and be able to see your girlfriend in
the nip (unless she is in the nip, in which case they'll see her
internal organs and skeleton).
If you meet someone who says they are
from New York they are probably MK Ultraed out of it and actually
from Wyoming or some place like that.
2: DOGS ARE MACHINES LIKE AT-AT WALKERS
IN STAR WARS!
These dog machines are driven by mice
to scare cats. This is just one strand of the animal war that is
being waged around you. Remember, when you feed a dog you are fueling
a mouse operated At-At and indirectly taking a side in a war against
your own cat.
Additionally, Tom and Jerry cartoons
were mouse propaganda and the animators that made them were also
machines controlled by mice that were inside them. It was the same
with Mickey Mouse cartoons. Even Walt Disney was a mouse - or mice to
be more precise (hey, that last bit rhymed so it must be true!!!)
Pixie and Dixie was another example of
mouse propaganda but no one remembers that so it doesn't matter.
3: CAKES ARE JUST MASSIVE BISCUITS!
Cakes are just big biscuits that are
soft. Don't be fooled! The average cake costs around €8. Would you
pay €8 for one biscuit? No, you wouldn't. You'd get at least four
packets of biscuits for that money – that's at least eighty cakes.
This is a plot by the Illuminati to get you to hand over more money
so they can spend it on developing mind control shoes (that take over
your mind once you put them on unless you're wearing tin foil socks).
From now on, wedding cakes should be
called wedding biscuits and so should birthday cakes. Likewise,
pancakes should be renamed panbiscuits but it's probably OK to keep
calling potato cakes potato cakes.
4: J.LO AND JENNIFER LOPEZ ARE THE
The Illuminati aren't even trying with
this one. One name even sounds like the initials of the other and the
two women are identical. The Illuminati want you think she is two
different people as a ritualistic trick – they are always playing
them. (Remember the Emerson, Lake and Palmer deception? Lake wasn't
even a lake, he was just a bloke, like the other two.)
What's more, J.Lo/Jennifer Lopez isn't
even from 'the block' and she never 'had a little'. However, I will concede that she
does, in actual fact, 'have a lot'.
5: NEW YORK DOES EXIST!
The theory that it doesn't was a false
flag operation so that people won't care when the Illuminati crash
airplanes into it.
...and don't forget that Obama is a
Sasquatch. I've mentioned that before on this blog so remember where
you heard it first.
I'm really excited about contributing to the
narrative. It's all about the narrative. Let's build an exciting new
narrative, our own narrative, to carry us into the future. Once you have mastered the
narrative you will have a defined cognitive dumping ground for all
that nebulous hatred, rage, frustration, confusion, alienation, and
fear that makes you want to SHOUT! It's also a fun hobby. Expect to
see my new conspiracies catch fire and WAKE UP SHEEPLE!
A pilot fish swims at the mouth of a
great white shark so it can feed off the scraps that fall from the
shark's jagged teeth. What is a pilot fish without a great white
shark? I'll tell you what a pilot fish without a great white shark is
- a pilot fish without a great white shark is a very hungry fish. A
Now, imagine the shark was a bit of a
silly billy and got a bit greedy and ate up all there was to eat in
the sea and there was nothing left. What would happen then? Well, for
a while the shark and the pilot fish would feel very fat and happy
but eventually the shark would become hungry again and so would the
pilot fish. There is nothing to eat! What are the shark and pilot
fish to do? Well, it's quite simple. Some of the pilot fish should
offer themselves and swim into the great white's mouth while the
others remain to eat whatever remnants fall from the great white's
gob. Selecting which pilot fish get eaten would be up to the pilot
fish but I'd imagine the weaker ones, the ones down the back,
furthest from the shark's mouth, would be incentivised
to offer themselves first. Persuasive statements like: 'it's time to don the pilot
fish jersey' and 'it's your aquatic duty' would be thrown at the
weaker pilot fish and, despite emitting little grumbles and leaving a
few snarky posts on pilotfish.ie, into the shark's mouth these fish
would go. Better to be dinner than have no dinner, right?
Pilot fish are greedy but the great
white shark is greedier. The great white shark is the greediest of
the greedy and, ultimately, pilot fish respect him for this. Pilot
fish wouldn't have to resort to self-sacrifice in times of scarcity
if they were as greedy as the great white and not just as greedy as
each other. Greed is strength.
Greed is strength and that is what we
should teach kids in school. Draw a great white shark on the
blackboard and tell the children the truth. Even if it isn't really
the truth we may as well say it is because we act like it is. Because
we act like There Is No Alternative.
NO WAY! WE WON'T PAY! (well actually we
will, all the same, anyway).
Brother Number One Begg sat there on the
committee of the Central Bank, presiding over the auditing of Anglo
and the lads.
We won't mention that because we don't even know - we
just got out on the streets and Mundy did a song. We had a great time
and all sang along.
We let off steam and went home again and there'll
be no national strike or anything like that because, fundamentally
and absolutely, we're all full of crap.
We don't really care about
anything but our wage so if you don't go there we'll probably vote
yous in again –
F fuckin F or F fuckin G or L fuckin A fuckin B.
The alternatives to those three are fuckin comedy.
So cut what you
like, just don't cut me!
With a hey diddle dong and a fiddle dee dee.
ICTU SIPTU FUKU - Hee Hee Hee!
Soon there will be eleven numbers from
one to ten. A new number is being officially introduced later in the
year. The number is called sot and it comes between six and seven.
Sot will not just be a number. Like
other whole numbers, sot will also be an amount. Imagine you have six
things. Now imagine you have seven things. Now imagine you have an
amount of things that comes between six and seven. Fractions are not
You look puzzled. There is no need to
be puzzled. This amount has always been there. You have probably
never seen this amount because your perception of external reality is
mediated by an education that is based on an outdated macro level
Newtonian interpretation. However, some of you might have seen this
amount whilst under the influence of a fever or hallucinogens
or stupefied by the drink. It is when you are in these states that
you are briefly liberated from your stifling, culturally imposed,
preconceptions. It is when feverish, hallucinating, or pissed out of
your mind, that you can truly see reality - much like very young
children or supposedly crazy people do.
You may be wondering why we need the
new number but be prepared, sot is just the first of many new
numbers. We are starting slow. Before the decade is out you can
expect to see unt, fleb, and juk added to the digits between one and
ten. We are going to need these new numbers to help us finally get a
grasp on what is really afoot in the Universe. A new conceptual model
is required so that our species can move closer to a true unification
with its surroundings. The old ways will soon collapse under the
sudden weight of new understanding. Don't feel too anxious. It's not
going to be anything scary. It won't be all doom and gloom on the
fleb o'clock news. You may feel overwhelmed at first but just take a
deep breath and count to sot. You'll be fine.
In related news, they are also making
zero the highest number so from now on we are counting to nothing.
There will no longer be a need for calculations of any sort as
ultimately it all adds up to fuck all. Counting forwards will be the
same as counting backwards and the only thing you'll really be able
to count on is that you can't count on much.
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adore the fiat doors and cow jumped over the shotbled moon, had patty
cake patty snake baker's Van unarranged and arraigned by Comptroller
General on this side the Craggy Island of Umpa Lumpa to water-Tight
welterweight his penis war: nor Tom Sawyer’s docks by the
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while they went doublin their muPpet with mumps all the Crime: nor
avoice from Radox portion mortion abortion potion loTion major
picture motioN not yet, though Bambi namby pamby after, had a
skidmark butter on Brennan's old Iggy Pop: not yet, though all’s
pear in vanessa Paradis, were Keyser SoZe suthers wroth with doctor
retold. Got a feck of pa’s schmaltz unt shawl appall or Shawn
Michaels HBK brewed by fart light and video and put on Youtube viral
spiral and gory end to the schniggle schnaggle noggle was to be seen
dingdongdangsome and ain't I handSome on the aquaman and Green Arrow.
The Fall E. Smith
fuk!) of a dunce Occupy wallstrait oldspice mice play diCe with
spurret and lark Rise to Candleford and Poldark on Mopeds early in
bed and later on lie die down and frown through all christian black
and white Lyons tea minstrelsy Packie bonner. The great Mark E.
Smithwicks fall of the overalls untillytally at such snort ortice the
paranormalschutehirsute of Finnegan, arse boiled flan, that the
buMptyBennyhillhead of humself bumptios plumptious an unglun DobboOn
the SiXone beef wellington to the georgewhere did itall go wrongBest
in quest of his boozymissworldcontestanttitties: and their
upthejunction is at the bill deskface out in the lark in the park
where cureheads haVe been laid low by skins to fust and fangle upon
the green since dev-linsfirst loved very very iffyy stiffy and then
came in a jiffy and SeaQuest was shite and Seaquest was shite and it
was no wonder it was cancelled because seaQuesT was shite.
...see, I told yous, anyone can write that crap.
(I threw in a few pop cultural references so geek types can enjoy
it too. They enjoy any old fuck-wittery as long as it refers to
something that made an impact on their telly cage brains.)