TASTY-LICIOUS

(pictured – Try our Cock-A-Doodle-Deep-Fat-Doo)

I'm opening a new chain of restaurants called Tasty-Licious. With a catchy name like that, I reckon it's going to be a big hit. The food won't be very nice (mainly mechanically separated meat stuff with added sweetener and things called 'bovine approximate', 'anabolic emulsifier', 'pulverized extract', 'black rot mix', 'Xanax' and unwanted pets) but the outlets will be bright, cheerful and child friendly and we'll deliver to your door. We'll even have stuff in the shops. The Tasty-Licious range in stores will make it so you can still enjoy a Tasty-Licious treat at home even if you don't have a Tasty-Licious near your home. Mmmm, that's Tasty-Licious. I'm sure some begrudgers will say the food tastes awful but it will also be cheap so that should appeal. I'm not going to waste a load of money on ingredients when there's the whole promotional campaign to be paying for. (Journos don't pepper their lifestyle pieces with references to your product for free you know, LOL!) I reckon if you see the words Tasty-Licious everywhere and constantly hear our jingle – 'Ooh Tasty-Licious, that's Tasty-Licious, mmmm Tasty-Licious, Yeah!' – you'll realise that food is just as much about 'fun' as it is taste and nutrition. I find the whole nutrition thing very Calvinist anyway don't you? The whole 'eat your greens' thing. Booorrrring.

So, Tasty-Licious will be making food fun. We'll have this thing called a Grub Mug that's basically dinner in a big pink plastic mug! And there'll be the Party in a Bucket, which will be a load of food thrown into a huge cardboard bucket type thing for people to share, although most will probably enjoy it alone. Speaking of 'alone', Tasty-Licious will also be introducing Bachelor Chow for unmarried men who are too busy playing GTA to bother preparing anything decent. The ads will feature a debonair Roger Moore type ordering a portion of Bachelor Chow to his 'pad' but we'll also have a parallel campaign, a kind of shaky camera thing with a documentary feel, that will feature lads with drinking problems and depression who can't get access to their kids and all that stuff talking frankly to the camera about how Bachelor Chow 'brings some light to a very dark place'. It'll be great!

I'd say you'll be dropping in yourself will you? I mean there are lots of good places with great food but I bet you'll be drawn to Tasty-Licious. 'Ah, I don't really have time for anything nice, I'll just head for Tasty-Licious and get eating over with', you'll say to yourself. When it comes to fast food there'll be nowhere faster than Tasty-Licious. Try our Tasty-Licious Time Saver, for people on the go. With the Tasty-Licious Time Saver you don't even have to bother sitting down. You just stand there at the counter while a member of staff pushes the food into your open gob. Then you can get back to the telly or work or shouting at employees or doing whatever it is you need to do to love your life. Remember - 'Ooh Tasty-Licious, that's Tasty-Licious, mmmm Tasty-Licious, Yeah!'

See ya soon snack seekers!